The desire to feel loved, lovable, is a basic human necessity, high on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It has been identified in numerous studies as essential for healthy brain development, mental health, and even physical survival. So, what happens if we doubt our lovability? Do we deny our need? Search endlessly to find that person who can make us feel loved? Do whatever we think must be done to ‘earn’ the love we desire? Or maybe you’ve experienced something else.
My Experiences: I never felt ‘good enough’ to be truly loved just the way I was. When someone sent attention my way, I suspected an ulterior motive behind their interest. They just wanted sex, thought I could provide something they needed, couldn’t find anyone else that would want them… My first love had recently been left by his fiancé and had not met requirements for his anticipated graduation. He had flirted with me, and many others, as he checked our meal cards in the college cafeteria line. And he made me laugh – a rare commodity in my home growing up. When he showed up at a dorm party unengaged, ungraduated and making a beeline my way I couldn’t resist his attention. I felt sorry for his pain, (unconsciously) thinking my love could heal his wounds and earn the love I craved in return. I became skilled at denying hints of his infidelity. When we were together, doubts faded within his intense attention. I knew I could show him that he could trust me not to leave and how good we could be together. Until three years later when proof of other women in his life became undeniable. The anger and pain I had pushed into hiding for years surfaced in an explosion of rage. I fled, heartbroken and with a vow to never allow my need for love make me vulnerable to control by a man again. Fear had dragged me from ‘fawn’ to ‘fight’ to ‘flight’.
Do you recognize pieces of your own story? Or maybe a different route based on your fears?