Moving Towards Peace
Why Does Life Feel So Crazy?
Do you ever feel like you’re constantly juggling tasks, struggling to find time to even think about what would calm that gnawing sense of discomfort inside? The relentless demands of daily life can leave us feeling like we’re running in circles, trying to keep up with an ever-growing to-do list. But we must soldier on because things need to get done, right?
The Evolution of Demands
The demands of modern life can feel like a swarm of mosquitoes in the heat of summer–insistent, annoying, impossible to control, and even threatening to your health. Gone are the days of designated chores for each day of the week that often required hours to complete by hand. Technological advances have undoubtedly made certain tasks more manageable, and offered the freedom for both men and women to pursue higher education and build careers. But along with these changes, the traditional eight hour workday no longer has boundaries. Multitasking and busyness has become an expectation. Sunday used to be thought of as a day of rest. When was the last time you allowed yourself such a day, free from the fierce pace of modern life? (Without being so ill your body mandated you remain in bed!)
A Day in the Life
A typical day can feel like a non-stop marathon, from the crack of dawn to the late hours of the evening. Whether it’s managing household chores, shuttling kids to various activities or balancing work and personal responsibilities, there is often little time left to take a few breaths or quietly reflect before collapsing in bed to get enough sleep to do it all again in a few hours. Weekends are also consumed by a never-ending list of unfinished tasks. Even planned activities for fun can be interrupted by phone calls, or feel crunched between other obligations.
Embracing the Journey
The landscapes of our life may change, but the demands never seem to diminish. My own experiences, as well as those of many others, have taught me that finding moments of peace and tranquility amid chaos is an ongoing challenge. While my path towards peace is far from complete, I’ve begun to shift my focus from simply meeting external expectations to considering my deeper desires and needs. It hasn’t been a smooth journey and I’ve stumbled along the way, but the effort has been worthwhile. In future posts, I’ll share my stories of discovering my deepest fears and desires, including the surprises along the way. It is a journey that continues to unfold, but one that has undeniably brought more peace into my life.
My hope is that sharing my stories will inspire you to explore and discover your own path toward greater peace.
Thoughts and Ideas Meet Stories…
*Fear – Friend or Foe?*
Thoughts and Ideas:
Fear can be our friend. It can be instinctual, alerting us to threats and dangers to keep us safe. Think about the familiar scenario of running from a tiger in the jungle.
But fear can also keep us from experiencing the world around us, prevent us from ‘growing forward’. Acts that seem simple for others may feel like putting our heads in that tiger’s mouth!
Let’s first talk about what happens in our body when fear creeps, or races, in. When potential danger is observed the brain’s threat detector (the amygdala) automatically kicks in and sends a message to another part of the brain (the hypothalamus) that releases stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) causing our heart to race, breath to quicken, and muscles to tense so we can respond quickly to avoid harm. You may be familiar with some or all of these associated responses: ‘fight’-counterattack, ‘flight’-run away, ‘freeze’-stop moving to avoid notice, and ‘fawn’-curry favor with attacker.
We do not want to get rid of these responses that can keep us safe when danger arises. But what gets classified as ‘real’ danger?
Being chased by a tiger? Yes! Seeing an out-of-control car heading your way? Yes! Seeing a child chase after a ball headed toward the street? Yes!
But what about walking into a gathering where you don’t know anyone, feeling like you will be left standing alone in a corner, or are just not good, funny, interesting enough to fit in? Most likely not a real danger. Or simply expressing an opinion contrary to popular belief within a group of friends? Also, most likely not a real danger. But I know from experience the racing heart, shallow breath, and tense muscles such situations can trigger!
My Story:
I spent most of my childhood in a ‘frozen’ state, not daring to say what I felt or act as I wanted. Fear of making someone mad, looking stupid, or saying the wrong thing kept me from exploring and enjoying the world around me. I believe this was due to both an inborn tendency toward shyness (nature) as well as growing up in a rural setting surrounded by acres of woods with highly restrictive parents (nurture). But as I grew older and another inborn tendency (stubbornness) grew with me, I planned an escape (flight) from parental control and rural isolation. After graduating high school, instead of moving down the road and getting married I took a route off the family map – to college! This may sound like no big deal to many, but obstacles were placed before me to keep me close to home. That stubborn streak came in handy as I found my way to what looked like freedom!
If any of this sounds familiar, please stay tuned for the next post. (hit the ‘subscribe’ button and you’ll get a notice when it arrives)
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*Real Danger??*
Thoughts/Ideas:
How do we single out ‘real’ danger from all the things that can evoke the same bodily response? The real tigers from the shadow tigers?
The most obvious ones involve anything that presents a significant risk to our life, health, and well-being. These vary depending on our abilities and environments. Living in a war zone evokes different dangers than living in a suburban neighborhood and living with a physical limitation presents different dangers than living with black belt training in self-defense. Identifying the ‘real’ dangers is not the problem. It is identifying all the others, that feel equally intense and that limit our abilities to be comfortable and feel safe even when risks are low, that can be difficult to respond to appropriately.
My Story:
College in a small city seemed to offer unfettered freedom! No one to tell me what to do. Endless opportunities to go places and do things. Surrounded by people from places and cultures I had never seen and with experiences far beyond my comprehension. I desperately wanted to join in. But leaving behind rules and woods did not open the doors I expected. Anemic social skills and the fear of displeasing others remained. I learned to smile and laugh to fill in for conversations about things I knew nothing about. I listened and watched others and learned how to say what they wanted to hear. I wasn’t really thinking, just reacting to the current biggest threat: not fitting in. My heart raced, breath quickened, and muscles tensed. I’d always known how to please others to feel safe, now it was just on a much grander scale. Tigers approached from every direction at all times of day and night.
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*Fear in Disguise: People Pleasing*
Thoughts and Ideas:
Being kind and thoughtful is a wonderful thing, right? After all, putting yourself first is ‘selfish’, right? Or do neither of those statements have black and white answers? I like to think of them on a continuum, balanced at the point where we can give freely to others without taking away from our own needs and well-being. I’m not going to tell you that I can always find that elusive balance. It changes within each situation, and with each person. But as my awareness of underlying fears and factors that influence my behaviors (fear of rejection, low self-esteem, discomfort with conflict, socialization or childhood conditioning) broadens, I move a little further away from my people-pleasing behavior pattern.
My Story:
Growing up in that rural, strictly controlled home kept my world small with the primary worry focused on not crossing into the trouble zone with my father. Skills developed to stay on the pleasant side of his temper came in handy when I moved out into the bigger world. Pleasing others to feel safe continued, just on a much grander scale. I knew how to say the right things, or nothing at all, or change my desires to meet both voiced and assumed rules of behavior. Fitting in wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. As long as I did what I thought others wanted me to do and pushed my own rumbling thoughts aside. People pleasing became the secret (to both myself and others) ingredient in my acceptable outward persona.
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*Fawning For Love*
Thoughts/Ideas:
The desire to feel loved, lovable, is a basic human necessity, high on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It has been identified in numerous studies as essential for healthy brain development, mental health, and even physical survival. So, what happens if we doubt our lovability? Do we deny our need? Search endlessly to find that person who can make us feel loved? Do whatever we think must be done to ‘earn’ the love we desire? Or maybe you’ve experienced something else.
My Story:
I never felt ‘good enough’ to be truly loved just the way I was. When someone sent attention my way, I suspected an ulterior motive behind their interest. They just wanted sex, thought I could provide something they needed, couldn’t find anyone else that would want them… My first love had recently been left by his fiancé and had not met requirements for his anticipated graduation. He had flirted with me, and many others, as he checked our meal cards in the college cafeteria line. And he made me laugh – a rare commodity in my home growing up. When he showed up at a dorm party unengaged, ungraduated and making a beeline my way I couldn’t resist his attention. I felt sorry for his pain, (unconsciously) thinking my love could heal his wounds and earn the love I craved in return. I became skilled at denying hints of his infidelity. When we were together, doubts faded within his intense attention. I knew I could show him that he could trust me not to leave and how good we could be together. Until three years later when proof of other women in his life became undeniable. The anger and pain I had pushed into hiding for years surfaced in an explosion of rage. I fled, heartbroken and with a vow to never allow my need for love make me vulnerable to control by a man again. Fear had dragged me from ‘fawn’ to ‘fight’ to ‘flight’.
Do you recognize pieces of your own story? Or maybe a different route based on your fears?
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